There’s a lot of really groovy tech in our place, but my favourite is still the Roomba, our robot vacuum cleaner. Here’s my revised version of what you get when you call their telephone support line.
* If your Roomba has mated with your hair drier and the offspring can’t decide whether to suck or blow: press 1.
* If your Roomba has begun to display aggression towards other household appliances: press 2.
* If your Roomba has taken to making disparaging remarks about your cleanliness and moral character: press 3.
* If Your Roomba has locked itself in the bathroom and refuses to come out until you get rid of the cat: press 4.
* If your Roomba is leaving dust bunnies under the furniture because it’s too busy making dinner dates with the upright next door: press 5.
* If your Roomba has begun displays of potentially suicidal behaviour, eg; playing chicken with the garden hose or bumping repeatedly into a heavy but unstable wall unit: press 6.
* If your Roomba tries to hump your leg each time you bring a date home: press 7.
* If you’ve caught your Roomba trying to plug itself into a USB port on your computer to access the Home and Garden channel: press 8.
* If your Roomba chews your shoes every time you leave the house: press 9.
* If your Roomba has fused with your microwave: hang up the phone, grab your belongings and get the fuck out.